“Half” Training

*I wrote this post almost 2 months ago. I wasn’t ready to share what was going on until I told my coach and finalized everything. It’s been a long time coming and this was not a snap decision.*

For those of you who have been reading for awhile, you know that all semester my primary goal was to get healthy so that I was ready for track season after being injured all summer.

Well, here’s the day I tell you that I am not running track anymore.

I know it’s probably coming as a big shock to some, and not at all to others. I haven’t been happy with track since freshman year, the year I look back on and see myself as “fast.” Since then, I have battled injuries and comparisons with myself and with others. Running lost its charm. I only joined in the first place because I wanted people to run with out of swim season. It had it’s place in helping me figure out who I was and I don’t regret the 3 years I spent on the team, but I’m ready for the next chapter.

These thoughts have been churning in my head for quite some time now, but it wasn’t until a couple of months ago that it felt certain. I was laying in savasna during yoga and suddenly I realized, “I don’t want to run track.” I lost all sense of relaxation that I had spent the last 90 minutes working towards, but it was also a relief to admit it to myself.

I’ve been trying to convince myself that everything will be better once I go back. I’ll be faster because I’m not injured and I had a full season off, I’ll be with my track friends, I’ll enjoy racing again, I’ll be on a strict training plan, I’ll get the perks of being an athlete again.

The thing is, none of those things are magically going to come true. I won’t be happier because I’m running track. In fact, just thinking about it was giving me the same panicky feelings I dealt with all of last year. The idea of stepping onto the track, the place that I did so much damage to my calves last spring, comes with a lot of anxiety. I was dreading the speed workouts and nervous about trying to fit in with a team that I never truly felt like I was a part of. I won’t miss the monotony of 25x400s at 94 pace. I won’t miss the anxiety leading up to every race and every practice. I won’t even miss the team camaraderie, because to be honest, I never felt like I belonged with the exception of a few.

I will miss running with these two

The only thing holding me back was my identity. Ever since I could walk, I’ve been “the athlete.” In high school and most of college, I was the swimmer. Then I suddenly became “the runner.” Everything I am known for at school is directly related to my involvement in athletics. I’m the president of SAAC, the student-athlete advisory committee, a position I’m going to have to give up once I’m no longer a student-athlete. I didn’t want to be the girl that didn’t make it through all four years of at least one sport. But that’s a stupid reason to stay on a team.

This semester I was the happiest I’ve been in many, many years. I realized I don’t need to be a student-athlete to define me anymore. My focus now is 100% on finding a job. My parents are constantly reminding me of that and expect that I’ll be flying home frequently in the coming months for interviews. I also love my job at the running store. I love the people I work with, the conversations we have, and signing up for races to run just for fun. If I went back to track, I’d lose that and this newfound happiness I have outside of the ‘Goucher bubble.’ The way my parents put it, I’m just “retiring early” from being a student-athlete.

As of now, I’m “half” training. Half marathons are my favorite distance. Speed workouts will never be something I enjoy, unless it’s a 5k. My only plan is to ‘half’ train for races, meaning run the way I’ve been running for the past couple months and continue to race at leisure, no pressure added. Based on how my races have been going, it’s working. I’m signed up for a few halfs this spring and summer as well as some shorter races. I may shift into marathon training for next fall, but with my injury history, I’m not sure I’ll make it to the starting line.